I guess I am going to explode. You know, when you shake a bottle of beer, and then you open it and it just explodes and comes out all fizzling and hissing? That’s how I feel.
Basically I am not the one who keeps everything to myself. I either have to let it out, or somehow I fear I shall explode like an over-blown balloon.
But lately, the thing is, I don’t exactly know WHAT is troubling me.
I feel so distant from people, alternately dull, and hell, facing a lot of abhorrent mood swings. Like, I am bloody happy for a second, and feel like I shall actually survive the day.. and then BAM! It’s either my hormones deciding to go bonkers, or my PMS, or the people around me (I have no idea which), I feel so f**king broken and disturbed. Crap. I have no idea what’s going on.
I haven’t been feeling myself. I’m not the one who broods and worries about the same stuff for hours, because I force myself to find a solution. But how can you find a solution if you do not know the root of your worry? I thought letting out tears would help me. Huh. No way, not even close. I didn’t even get the tears, let alone the reason why I was supposed to be crying.
My emotions have been dimmer; I don’t know how to react much any more; I haven’t been feeling things as strongly and can’t express that. and added to this comes my stupid and extremely annoying younger brother. He’s been taking a lot of my things without my permission and NOT returning them back at all. And by the way? Although he can put on the cutest and the most-innocent-of-all expression to deceive you, he’s just a couple of years (and a half) younger to me, and Not. That. Innocent. Mind it.
And my friends? The hell I DO NOT know what is seriously wrong with them, but it looks like almost the ENTIRE grade is oh-so-obsessed with posting selfies in their social accounts. ((Urgh. They’re so edited, photo-shopped, fake and pretty much alike, (because they shamelessly copy each other’s poses and such. And of course they’re edited), that they sometimes make you sick. And the captions. God. Who do you think you are? Selena Gomez?!))
Well, I was in it, at first, till I realized I totally had to live and breathe selfies and fake-candids to keep up! Things are out of hand, because it looks as though people would kill to have more followers!!
I am so glad I found about blogging, at the right time. But then, I DO NOT know a single blogger in my grade. (To be honest, I am so happy about that. Because there is no way, I am letting people bombard in, and make this a fake-place too) and people look at me, as though I’m an alien to not post selfies with them. Ew ew ew.
Well, you get it. You so cannot talk about your crisis with such self-obsessed people. Personally, I don’t think its wrong on my part, if I have distanced myself from them, because forgetting sleep and homework to get followers is NOT MY THING.
Well, in that way, I slowly did come out of it. But there it started again, when everyone would gossip about the boys and girls on Instagram and Facebook and the updates, and I would remain clueless. My friends started to think I was becoming arrogant for refusing to be like them.
That’s pretty much how things are right now. I’m not lonely. I do have good friends and I find lots of people very friendly and such. But there is this inexplicable gap that sometimes becomes very vivid, at times.
I do find myself going crazy. And lately, I’ve been feeling that way more often. I also have this irrevocable feeling of “Not Being Good Enough” that pretty much drives me nuts. And my mom’s constant advice, to be a mature and responsible girl with duties, is not helping.
I had no idea where to go with this. And I got the brainstorm moment, a few minutes ago when I decided to let you people know about it. Over the time, I’ve met a lot of lovely people here, which I had no idea I would. And I am so grateful for that. ❤
I hope you don’t mind me writing about this; because I really really need your help. I promise I will be back to myself the next time. Summer is on its way, and I thought I was going to make the most out of it. And I am determined to.
I promise I’ll be back to being myself the next time, and post a lot of nice things. But if any of you have gone through something like this, and you have tips on how to face it, pleassseee let me know. I do need someone, and it would be of such a big help if I could get to hear from you. Please?
Trying to be Me.